Why Mom Guilt Can Bite My Tits

Photo by Hello I'm Nik 🎞 on Unsplash

Every day, I fail to measure up to the mom I think I should be.

It’s not just at the end of the day, when I’m exhausted, thinking over (and over-thinking) the things I didn’t get done. It’s every time I yell at my kids because I can’t deal with the whining and the sass. It’s every time I notice the mess we live in, every time I let them watch one more tv show, every time we don’t manage to eat any veggies at dinner, every time I tell (sometimes yell some more at) my kids that I can’t because I’m working right now.

In case you’re wondering, it’s completely self-imposed. I know with my logical brain that these things don’t make me a bad mom. Something instinctual and emotional is constantly whispering otherwise.

I suffer from acute Mom Guilt (or Motherhood Myth, or Goddess Myth), a pandemic that has been raging for long before Covid 19. It’s what makes us miserable when need to choose between working or staying at home, breastmilk or formula, vaginal birth or c-section, “natural” delivery or epidural. And every decision after that from timeouts to treats to tv to bedtimes. There is no true best choice for every family. Every mom is different. Every kid is different. Every situation is different. Yet, instead of internalizing the fact that we’re human people dealing with a large quantity of responsibility and stress, navigating uncertainty the best we can, and rolling with the punches — instead of, in fact, feeling like the bad-asses we are for woman-ing up and making a decision, we feel guilty.

I mean, what the fuck, guys?!

In spite of the many billions of women who have gone through this, it’s no better now than it was for our moms before us and their moms before them.

It’s tempting to blame the social media effect of seeing other mom’s fictional lives online. But our moms felt it before Facebook. You could blame the celebrity effect because celebrity moms always seem to have their shit together. But then they make it clear that they struggle with mom guilt too. Recently, Chelsey Clinton, Gal Godot and the Duchess of Cambridge all admitted that they suffer from mom guilt. Kate Middleton went as far as to say any mom who says they don’t is lying.

So why? We know this myth of the selfless mom who cooks healthy meals, keeps a neat house, uses every moment as a gentle teaching moment and only speaks with love to her children is impossible. It’s not even something we really want to strive for. And here again my logic brain, which is quite feminist, is saying to me, “society’s archaic ideals can bite me! Expectations need to change, not moms!” And yet, here I am.

Because it’s in my best interest to stop making myself miserable, I have come up with some theories.

1. We want the best for our kids. We can’t control much, but we can control what we give them, and we want to give them our best.
2. There’s a glut of advice out there. Official medical advice about nearly everything shifts wildly over time, so you often get mixed, but adamant opinions on everything.
3. There is still an underlying belief that raising kids is ultimately the job of women.
4. We started with a solid base of woman guilt.

Woman guilt starts at a young age. We’re made to feel guilty for winning and succeeding because victory or success was denied someone else (more worthy). We’re made to feel guilty for having sex and for being sexually assaulted. We’re made to feel guilty for not looking or acting as expected.

As a society, we talk big talk about equality and how a woman’s place doesn’t have to be in the home, but there are pesky lingering beliefs that while a woman is fairly capable-ish of work-work, kids are her first job. These beliefs show themselves in casual comments, like asking working moms who’s taking care of the kids while she’s at work, but not asking dads. Like asking moms if they’re okay with someone else “raising” her kids while she’s at work, but not asking dads. I have been told by an adult friend that they feel like they deserved more attention as a kid and the fault is with the mother because she worked full time.

But, even if you stay home, you still face Mom Guilt. You’re not providing your kids a good example, you’re reinforcing dated gender roles, you’re not contributing to the household income.

I want to make a quick note that there is absolutely such a thing as Dad Guilt, reason one up there covers parents of all genders. There is extra guilt for single and divorced dads as well. Working dads and moms both have guilt for not spending “enough” time with their kids, but when it comes down to it, the guilt is heavier for moms because moms are expected to always be there for their kids.

The current situation we find ourselves in exacerbates the problem.

The world is under a great deal of stress, and guess who self-assigns the task of easing that stress for everyone: Moms. We’re trying create a normalized home bubble, safe from the shit storm that’s going on outside our doors.

Moms are losing jobs 3 times faster than their male counterparts. 100% of the jobs lost in December were held by women. Not only are moms more likely to be fired, but in heterosexual partnerships, they’re also more likely to be the ones that quit to provide childcare because (white) women are still making $0.82 for every $1 a (white) man does. (It’s an infuriating $0.66 for black women and $0.58 for Latina women). Single moms are fucked.

For me, and so many others, as someone who had already stretched herself to the edge of stress, this lead straight to the doctor’s office for an EKG because my anxiety was extreme enough that it felt like a days long heart attack.

So, yes, society needs work. But while we’re in that battle for the long haul, here are some things we can do for ourselves:

1. Notice when you’re feeling guilty, and then tell your guilt to fuck off, you have enough on your plate
2. Notice your wins, i.e. I just heard my 2 year old tell his preschool teacher that the bear he was dressing wasn’t ready to go outside without sunscreen and a mask (VICTORY!!!)
3. Let go of as many unimportant things as possible. For me this includes cleaning.
4. Don’t let go of the things that make you happy. In fact add some back in.
5. Notice when you’re judging other moms and check yourself, it’s an easy trap to fall into. Being judged all the time makes you want to judge right back.

My anxiety coach (who shockingly works with a lot of moms) told me that it’s a mother’s job to model humanity, not perfection.

Your logic brain knows that your Mom Guilt is bullshit. Keep telling your guilt brain again and again. And if you have anxiety or depression, it’s understandable and it’s worth taking care of yourself and investing in help.

I want to end this on a high note and tell you that you can rid yourself of Mom Guilt, but you can’t. Honestly I think at its core, it’s built-in to keep us from killing our children.

The best I can offer is this: try not to give it too much of your time and energy. Know that we’re all feeling it along with you, mama, and you are more than good enough.

This post was originally written for the Maia blog. The original version can be found here.